The Risk of Honest Confession (as opposed to living in dysfunctional community!)

So he begins by telling me that there is no way that he—as a Christian—would share with me—being a Christian who happens to be a pastor—or any other Christian his deepest darkest sins or problems because if he did, every time I saw him, I would always identify him with that sin. When I think of him, I think of that sin. They become joined together and that is a risk that he is not going to take.

I have given much thought to this comment made to me by a person who is a believer and has spent much time within local congregations. I ponder what happens to a church when this becomes the rule? The results can be devastating when the overarching theme of a congregation is the people of God not trusting one another.

On the one hand, I completely understand my friend’s quandary. It is a terrible thing when people use life events and experiences of another person to target them and demoralize them with cruelty. It is horrific to see people that have attempted to seek counsel and compassion by sharing struggles with another person, only to have that information become public information for lunch time discussion. I have observed the betrayal become so hurtful for people that they feel driven from the fellowship of a local church with no desire to ever return.

We are all fully aware of the worst nature of ourselves. In us is a capacity to bring hurt and derision to another. At times, the behavior can be less vindictive—a person sharing with someone, casually, what another has shared in confidence—but no less hurtful. On the other hand, it appears that some people are hell-bent to work evil and pain in the lives of others. All this behavior becomes particularly distressing when it occurs in the context of a local church. However, a cursory reading of Scripture reveals the trouble and difficulties have been a constant companion of the church from its inception. Self-centeredness is not a twenty-first century invention.

James told a group of believers that we struggle with a profound self-centeredness that results in much rude and crude behavior (4:1-3). We are tempted to desire our personal wants to the detriment of community life. It is a sad reality that churches become characterized by the fighting, hurtfulness and unhealthy patterns that offer no care to believers. Grace is exchanged for grit and people grow in such an environment to become closed off and afraid to do life with one another in any type of helpful way.

In light of the realities, Paul directed the Philippian church to live under a different calling. One that appears incredibly risky in contrast to much of today’s congregational life. It was a pattern that Paul did not intend to be a quaint idea but a driving passion within the local community of faith. The call was for Christians to consider the brothers and sisters in Christ more important than themselves (2:3-4). James went on to say that the community can and should move into a kind of care for one another where believers are able to confess their sins to one another (5:16).

How does a church move from a James 4:1-3 mindset and to living a Philippians 2:3-4 and James 5:16 life? It seems to me that a couple of factors are necessary. One, an individual has to make the commitment to take on the Philippians 2:3-4 life in spite of what others choose. I understand the inherent risks that come in considering others more important than yourself. There is always the risk that you may be taken advantage of and may find that other believers have difficulty in reciprocating the commitment. However, believers are called to embrace life of the word independent of how others respond. It just might be that your own commitment to live the word may give courage and example for others to do the same. Practically, this may take the shape of serving and doing for others with no concern of how they might “pay you back.” The intent is to “pay it forward” with a concern for others and with less desire of getting yourself taken care of. Oddly enough, taking care of others is actually the road to having your own needs met.

Two, living the Philippians 2:3-4/James 5:16 life takes time in cultivating some relationships that foster such ideals. To take it to a deeper level, one must be willing to risk in opening up your life to another. In various places and contexts, I have bee quite fortunate to be in relationships with other men where the reality of Philippians 2:3-4/James 5:16 came to life. In some instances, it came in men approaching me in seeking out accountability and confession. In other times, I was the one who identified men in which the relationship of honesty could be cultivated. I must admit that it has been an awesome privilege to be considered worthy by other men to be a Philippians 2:3-4/James 5:16 man. Others with which I have developed that type of relationship have communicated that same type of feeling.

Each of these relationships have taken different shapes and forms. Some were like an informal meeting for conversation. Others were set apart times where a Christian book or Bible study was used to guide the sharing. The relationships that went the deepest in connection were the ones that the other friend(s) and I could be brutally honest in confessing sin. I will fully tell you that such a practice, in the beginning, can be frightening. It is much like the dream where you see yourself naked in a very public place! Confession often feels like exposure. However, with trustworthy men, the confession brought tremendous freedom. How comforted I have been to find that I am not the only one who has struggled with certain behaviors and temptations. Even when the specifics were different from another believer, to have the compassionate care of another has been one of the few experiences of heaven on earth I have had on this planet.

Let me tell you of another unexpected benefit of confession of sin to another. I found that in exposing myself honestly before another, I came to desire holiness like never before. In the times I have been unable or unwilling to bear my burden with another, I found the struggle with sin to be, at times, almost overwhelming. Little progress is found in loneliness. In contrast, when I exposed myself to another, I encountered wonderful strength through my friendship. My experience has been that God works mightily in our Philippians 2:3-4/James 5:16 relationship. My desire and ability to live more pleasing to the Lord was actually increased while living in complete honest relationship with another.

I certainly understand the concern of my friend who is reluctant to share his sin with another. Sharing with untrusting and unloving people and with dysfunctional churches can certainly lead to calamity and pain. Honestly, Jesus’ advice of not casting your pearls before swine has been a wonderful guiding principle in choosing trustworthy brothers in Christ However, my life has been greatly blessed when I found others with which I could practice Philippians 2:3-4/James 5:16. How glorious it is to exchange your pig slop for pearls!